Which of the following is a good approach to handling a difficult conversation?

Difficult conversations at work don't have to be unpleasant.

When people are asked how they generally deal with conflict, they often say that they try to avoid it. In fact, one poll revealed that more than 80% of workers are running in fear from at least one scary conversation at work—a conversation they know they need to have but are dreading. This statistic isn’t surprising given that most individuals think of conflict in negative terms. Yet avoidance strategies don’t make things better. In fact, they usually make the situation worse. Issues escalate, resentment grows, and eventually, people become disengaged.

Imagine you want to have a talk with your manager about a toxic co-worker. Or maybe you have someone on your team who isn’t pulling their weight. According to Jean-Francois Manzoni, professor of human resources and organizational development at INSEAD, the key is to learn how to handle these conversations in a way that produces “a better outcome: less pain for you, and less pain for the person you’re talking to.” Here are some ways to handle difficult conversations at work while also keeping your relationships intact.

Don’t wait to have difficult conversations at work

Difficult talks can become even more challenging the longer you wait. And over time, you can also build up anxiety that will make the problem worse.  As Apple co-founder Steve Jobs said, “My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to take these great people we have and to push them and make them even better.” So, get in the habit of delivering feedback regularly and address issues immediately as they arise.  

Change your mindset

Rather than getting worked up beforehand, change your mindset. Think of it as just another normal office conversation. You should assume that the meeting will go well. Go in with a confident attitude and get to the point. By approaching the situation positively, the energy you bring will also be positive.

Practice having difficult conversations at work

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg encourages her employees to have tough conversations at least once a week. Because she believes if you do not have them, you're not growing. Having the tough talks forces companies to bring uncomfortable issues out into the open. And it can help businesses address them, especially when it comes to critical matters like workplace diversity and pay inequality.

Prepare beforehand

It’s always a good idea to prepare for these difficult conversations at work beforehand. But don’t try to rehearse or create a script. Instead, write down three things you want to accomplish and focus on them. If you home in on the root of the problem right away, you lessen the probability of the conversation going in an unexpected direction.

Manage your emotions

Your goal is to have the conversation in an even tone and keep it professional. This technique is especially important when the meeting is with someone you work closely with. It can help if you look at things from a fact-based standpoint. When emotions start to take over, remind yourself that the more in control you are, the better you'll be able to communicate the message.

Be empathetic

Consider how the other person will feel during the conversation and give them time to process their emotions. Clearly explain why you're having the meeting to help them fully understand your perspective. If you see them struggling, pause for a minute so they can gather their thoughts. If they start to get emotional, appreciate how they must be feeling and reassure them that you're providing this feedback because you care.

Brainstorm together

The goal of having this conversation is to come up with a solution. If it isn’t clear from the beginning, work together to brainstorm ideas. Listen to the other person’s thoughts and bring some suggestions to the table as well. Once you reach an agreement, make sure there is an action plan in place moving forward.

Tough talks can be awkward and unpleasant. But they are inevitable. The key is to approach them with honesty and empathy. By following these strategies, you’ll be able to successfully navigate difficult conversations at work while growing your potential.

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A friend may have left you feeling bad about yourself. You may need to end a romantic relationship. Or a family member’s values may be really different from yours. There are times when a difficult conversation is hard to avoid, even if it makes us feel nervous, stressed and wanting to run in the other direction.

The thing is, avoiding it usually doesn’t help. If you tackle the convo in the right way, it can help the other person better understand your feelings and beliefs, and may even improve the situation or relationship.

Here are six tips to help you get a difficult conversation off on the right foot.

1. Listen up

Don’t spend the time when the other person is talking thinking about what you want to say next.

• Really listen to what the’re saying.
• Try to understand their point of view. Ask them questions like: ‘Tell me more about that’ or ‘How does that make you feel?’
• Don’t talk over them.

You may learn something about them that you didn’t know, or see the situation from a different angle. If they see that you’re switched on and engaged with them, they're more likely to do the same for you.

2. Be clear about how you feel and what you want

A big part of tackling difficult conversations is communicating clearly and directly. Try planning beforehand what you want to say, so that your nerves or emotions don’t get the better of you.

• If you need facts to back up your point of view, you could do a Google search and make some notes on your phone.
• Start by explaining how you feel, and what you think and why.
• Use ‘I’ statements. So, instead of saying, ‘You don’t care about me at all!’, try this: ‘I feel really upset when [insert issue here].’ (Using ‘you’ can make the other person feel attacked, and they’ll be less likely to listen to you.)
• Describe exactly what you want from the discussion – do you want them to apologise to you, or to acknowledge your point of view, or to behave differently in the future? This will help them see things from your point of view and give them a clear way forward.

3. Look at the issue from their perspective

It can be easy to get caught up in how you feel, especially if you’ve been hurt or are feeling awkward about something. Before you jump to any conclusions, though, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and to see the situation from their perspective. You could try asking yourself:

• What are five reasons the person might have acted the way they did?
• Has this person done/said anything like this before, or is this totally out of character?
• Is there anything else going on in their life that might be a factor?
• Did I do anything that may have hurt/confused/angered them that might account for what’s happened?

People do and say things for many different reasons. It’s not always about you.

4. If things aren’t going to plan, take a break

Sometimes you can do everything you can to have a constructive chat, but if the other person isn’t willing to do the same, it can feel like it’s going nowhere.

Here are a few options if the other person is too upset, angry or emotional to respond.

• If you feel safe doing so, encourage them to express their emotions. Getting something off their chest may be a first step in resolving the issue.
• Walk away and try again when they’ve had time to simmer down.
• You could ask someone who isn’t closely involved to join you both, to help reduce the tension and encourage both sides to try and reach a workable outcome.

5. Agree to disagree

Not all conversations like this are going to have a happy ending. There will be some people, situations or behaviours that you just can’t talk through – and that’s okay.

Agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean you agree with their perspective. You’re just protecting yourself by choosing which battles to fight.

6. Look after yourself

Difficult conversations can sometimes get a bit heated, as people may feel emotional or hurt, angry or confused. Taking care of yourself is a priority.

It’s okay to take time out to let everyone cool down. Agree to come back later if there’s more to discuss.

Use this time to switch off and relax. Go for a walk, listen to a podcast or some music, meditate, or talk to someone who makes you feel good.

You should also be proud of yourself for starting this conversation. It takes real courage. Each time you overcome your nervousness and do it, you’ll build your skills and confidence.

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